Belittling is covert manipulation that is gradual and insidious. It is intended to inflict emotional harm on another. Felicia Lin wrote in the One Love article, Unhealthy Relationship Behaviors Series: BELITTLING, ““be” and “little,” the definition of “belittle” is language or behavior that literally makes someone unimportant, small, less than, or minimized.” This behavior can undermine one’s self-esteem and confidence and over time becomes abuse known as gaslighting, which is verbal and emotional abuse. Words that cut like a knife. Words that are used as weapons to make you feel less than and insecure.
Belittlers are dismissive, disrespectful, negative, disempowering and condescending. The belittler is a minimizer who operates from beneath a mask. They need to be right, live for their self-image and ego, and operate from a place of power and control. They also tend to have a narcissistic personality. Belittlers generally have negative dispositions towards others who have differences. I refer to it as condescending righteousness. It is NOT constructive criticism. It is NOT harmless joking. Belittling is verbal abuse; it is gaslighting intended to diminish your confidence, instill self-doubt and eventually control you.
The destructive behavior of the belittler is constantly questioning your choices (i.e. your food and clothing), correcting what you say (a form of talking down to you), teasing you (in healthy relationships we lift one another up not bring them down), giving you “advice” (whether you want it or not), correcting the way you do things, disregarding what you say, and avoiding compromise (power and control). Tactics are generally gradual and are forms of manipulation based on humiliation and suppression. Other red flags may look like:
- Neglect and avoiding your feelings, thoughts, experiences
- Downplaying your accomplishments and criticizing your strengths
- Undermining and downgrading
- Questions your judgement and competency
- Devalues your wants and likes
- Exploits your vulnerabilities through comparisons, insults or put-downs
- Brings up past mistakes to discredit you
Some reasons one may belittle are that they are insecure, they need to be in control, they enjoy receiving emotional and social kudos for putting down someone or “correcting” them. It does not make it okay. We are all guilty at times of belittling, it is when belittling becomes intentional, crossing the line to overtly controlling another with our power, or when one’s ego and self-image of righteousness and judgments are used to coerce and manipulate that you may be at risk of abuse – gaslighting.
A tidbit for your soul for those rare occasions when someone takes a belittling jab at you, in the absence of constant abuse and gaslighting. This came to me years ago from a supervisor, peer and friend, “Isn’t it interesting that they are showing me exactly who they are?” It is about them, not you. For example, their need to be right, to be superior, really shows the observer that the individual is judgmental and has reduced their capacity to compromise, learn, and grow. This individual will seek out evidence to support their theories of “rightness,” therefore missing out on growth opportunities. However, pay attention to the thoughts that are making you feel this way and where they’re coming from. Harming or breaking down another person’s self-esteem is never okay. Remember: you are never responsible for the actions of others, and there is nothing you can say or do that means you deserve to be abused.
If you are experiencing belittling or gaslighting, consider the healthiness of your relationship. YOU ARE NOT INFERIOR, shine in all the beautiful glory that is uniquely you. If belittling is one of the building blocks of your relationship, you are likely in an abusive relationship and gaslighting is occurring. If you or a friend needs help, or you think you may be being abused, please reach out to PeaceWorks, Inc. Even if you are not local to Colorado, we can connect you with someone who can help. You are not alone.