Why don’t you leave?
“I love him.”
“If I try a little harder and I am a better wife/mother/girlfriend, he won’t be angry with me and he will be the happy, sweet, romantic, charming, loving, caring husband/father/man that I first met.”
Why don’t you leave?
“It was my fault.”
“I made him angry.”
“Who would want me? I am not good enough or smart enough to make it on my own.”
“No one likes me.”
Why don’t you leave?
“If I leave, he will hurt or kill me, my children, my family and friends.”
“He will tell everyone that I am a bad mother and my children will be taken away and I will never see them again.”
Things are not as simple as just leaving an abusive relationship. Even though we know we should just run away as fast as we can, we don’t, can’t. We are still waiting for something to happen, believing and hoping that tomorrow will be better. “If only I had not done something to make him angry…”
The reasons that women stay are usually less visible than bruises and cuts. This makes it hard for most to understand, sympathize, and empathize with victims of domestic abuse. If the responses to a victims stories of abuse were of concern and compassion instead of judgement and criticism, more victims might feel compelled to speak up and find the support that is needed to live a life that is free of abuse.
IGNORANCE IS BLISS!
That is how the saying goes, Right? Let’s be real! We are all guilty of passing judgement on things we don’t know, don’t understand, that makes us uncomfortable or creates fear in us. Call it ignorance, being naïve or just plain old denial, either way we are still making the choice to remain in the dark. All the while, continuing to subtly blame the victim and not the abuser.
The overall consensus is that people are good. With this mindset, it makes it difficult for us to process and understand that there are people that manipulate, hurt and destroy others’ lives. Because of the belief that “people are good,” most people would rather believe that someone caused their own misfortune to make the world seem like a safer place. This is a major reason that survivors of domestic violence do not report the assault(s). Many survivors are already dealing with feelings of guilt and shame from what has happened to them.
Survivors do not stay in an abusive relationship because they are stupid or weak. Survivors stay for many reasons. Main reason survivors stay is because abuse happens over a period of time, not all at once. A first date that ended with someone slapping and berating would not elicit a second. This behavior builds and progresses overtime until one day, survival is the goal.
The abuser gains control over the victim by breaking down self-esteem and self-worth, instilling fear, withholding money, threats to family, children and pets, financial constraints and isolation from family, friends, society. The abuser’s goal is total control over the victim.
Abuse is about control. It is not about the victim being stupid or weak. Shaming a victim for staying in an abusive relationship creates more trauma. So, let’s stop telling women to change their behavior and stop asking questions like “Why don’t you leave?” “What were you wearing?” “Why did you go back?” “Did you say anything?” and start to empower women with education and resources to regain the strength to take back control over their life.
Instead of asking “Why don’t you leave?” we should be asking “How can I support you?”
by Nicole Stone